Those statistics we’ve been seeing of late – the ones telling us people aren’t buying or reading books – are entirely bogus. I know, because I spent eight bum-numbing hours at the courthouse yesterday waiting for my name NOT to be called by the county clerk, and plenty of people were reading books – the majority, in fact. More even than were text-messaging, talking on cell phones, or fiddling with Blackberries.
I am an experienced waiter-arounder, having gone through this ordeal just fifteen months prior, where in the state of California it is legal to torture law-abiding citizens once a year via the system known as Selecting a Jury for People Who’ve Committed Dumb-Ass Crimes. As a writer I came prepared, notepad in hand, intending to conduct a survey – you know, prove those reading statistics wrong. Here are a few of the books then, that potential jurors are reading, accompanied by quick reviews (courtesy mostly of Amazon.com) and marketing tips, in the event you’re a writer with a book to sell. (According to statistics we can actually believe, there are 16 million of us.)
DARKEST FEAR by Harlan Coban. (“Mystery featuring sports agent Myron Bolitar; seventh in series.”) Marketing lesson 1: C’mon, people! Who wants to read about love and cholera? It’s books about sports agents that sell!
INTO THE DARKNESS by Harry Turtledove. (An “epic fantasy.”) I assumed that the woman reading this book would possess long flowing hair, a black cape, and little silver swords, which she’d tucked into clunky pirate boots. The actual reader, however, sported short gray hair and navy-blue knee socks, which she’d stuffed into Birkenstocks. Marketing lesson 2: Aging hippies still enjoy a rocking hallucination – writers take note.
COAST GUARDSMAN’S MANUAL by George Kreitemeyer. (No review on Amazon, except for one customer who had evidently given his manual away and now regretted the decision. “Darn,” he said. “I wish I had of keep it.”) Marketing lesson 3: Mangled English is surprisingly endearing. Find friend will for you bungle.
THE SUNSET WARRIOR by Eric Van Lustbader. (“Vivid sword and sorcery adventure.”) This reader, a man in his fifties wearing a floppy multicolored hat, snapped at a potential juror after the man answered his ringing cell phone and proceeded to chitchat. We were sitting in the “Quiet Room,” and phone conversations were a violation of the rules, which the reader pointed out by jutting his chin toward the No Cell Phones sign and remarking, “Can’t you read English?” Marketing lesson 4: Print some of your books in German, so less attentive readers can whip them out and claim, “Nein, Ich spreche Deutsch. Achshole.”
RHYMES WITH WITCHES by Lauren Myracle. (“Darkly humorous young adult novel.”) Marketing lesson 5: Don’t be afraid to curse in your YA novel – even seventh-graders swear. And according to Good Morning America, they’re having sex too, and a fair amount of it. Marketing lesson 5a: Sex sells.
THE KING OF TORTS by John Grisham. (“Legal thriller with a fierce moral stance.”) Marketing lesson 6: John Grisham’s been the king way too long – time to dethrone him. Go ahead, fool. Give it your best shot.
WHEN THE WIND BLOWS by James Patterson. (“Adult’s nightmare.”) The man reading this book hadn’t shaved in six days and refused to make eye contact, which made me a little nervous. Marketing lesson 7: Write books that appeal to scary people at your own risk (courtesy of the Surgeon General).
FEDERAL TAXATION (No reviews available on Amazon.com.) Marketing lesson 8: Taxes are a dirty trick, and they give people headaches too. Anyway, it’s sex to seventh graders that sells.
LEONARDO’S SWANS by Karen Essex. (Review per The Washington Post, seen on Amazon.com: “This is a historical novel with way too much history.”) Marketing lesson 9: Accuracy is boring. Mix it up with entertainment and reality TV.
THE HOLY BIBLE by Kings and Fishermen et al. (Not reviewed by Amazon because, c’mon, who’s got the guts?) Marketing lesson 10: Make friends with priests and preachers and stuff. Word of mouth is everything.
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